Germany vs NZ? Germany and NZ.

I’ve done it.

Exactly 10 years to the day that I left Germany for NZ. My own version of “Daheim in Bayern, zuhause in der Welt”, roots in Bavaria, at home in the world.

It took me a year from the decision to go for dual citizenship to actually having achieved it. Or depending how you look at it, 10 years from having boarded my flight to NZ on a one way ticket.

Do I feel different now as a NZ citizen?

Yes. A deeper sense of belonging, of NZ now not just being my home but also my country.

But surely you cannot truly belong to two countries?

Yes you can.

I equally love both countries. I equally feel at home here and there. And I feel equally grateful to both for the opportunities and the life that I had, and now have.

It’s been an amazing journey. Not easy. Quite a ride in fact. But incredibly rewarding.

I don’t know where life will take me over the next 10 years. The South Island comes to mind.

But whatever will be, I’m confident that it will continue to be the most exciting mind blowing experience that I had never even dared to dream off.

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Instant flatmate part 2

As quickly as he materialized, our instant flatmate made his exit again today.

Leaving behind a bottle of wine and a block of chocolate.

Certainly an episode like no other I’ve experienced before.

In any case, I wish him all the best and that things will work out for him in New Zealand.

Instant flatmate

Flat sharing.

With more than 20 years of flat sharing experience under my belt, I’d say I’m a veteran at it. A veteran who’s seen it all.

Not so.  Today, life presented me with a totally new experience.

The instant flatmate.

We’ve had a room sitting empty for about 3 weeks now. Quite a few people looking, very nice people and I’d given the room to each of them. But there’s heaps out there at the moment so people can find the perfect place. And ours just hadn’t been perfect for anyone so far.

Then Simon. I met him a couple of weeks ago at a meetup in town when he had just arrived. Two suitcases, Kiwi girlfriend.

A few days later an email from a mutual friend telling me Simon might be interested in our room. More mails back and forth. Appointment made for a viewing this afternoon at 2pm.

2:35pm and still no Simon. So I grab my backpack to get my groceries done. Nearly out the door when a cab pulls up in front of the house.

From the cab emerges Simon. Plus two suitcases.

I off to the shops. Celery and salad for me. Sheets and a duvet for the bed a previous flatmate had left behind in the garage. Which is now furnishing our vacant room. Or rather formerly vacant room.

I’ve never had anyone move in like that. On the next day, yes. But not instantly.

Not sure for how long my instant flatmate will stay, maybe a week or two he said. We’ll keep on looking for someone more long term while Simon sees where his surprise move will take him.

Boringly good

The last few weeks were mental. Mental but great.

There was hardly a day (or rather night) where I got enough sleep, it was that full on.

But I’m a firm believer in that life never puts more on your plate than you can handle. And instead of feeling overwhelmed, I felt honoured that life thought I was up to the challenge.

Thanks to firmly sticking with my health programme, I came out the other end with my body and sanity intact.

Gregor still hasn’t found a job, and I’m still waiting to be allocated a citizenship ceremony.

But I’ve learnt a lot about myself.

And then I had I had the most amazing dental check=up ever.

I have come to like dental check-ups anyway, as my dentist usually says nice things about my teeth and I leave with a couple of dollars less in my pocket but reassured that all is well and good.

But this time was different. This time, it was like entering dental nirvana.

BORINGLY GOOD TEETH.

That’s my dentist’s assessment of the state of my teeth.

Can you imagine a bigger compliment?

I left with a huge smile that lasted the rest of the day.

There’s probably few people in their 40s who can say that their dental health is getting better.

How I’ve achieved this?

Surprise side effect of my health programme.

Big change, big news

So much has been happening this year, and it just keeps going.

I had a feeling that it would be a big year for Gregor and I, and that’s what it’s been. A big year. In captial letters. BIG.

Next week, Gregor will move in.

He still hasn’t found a new job despite all his job hunting. There’s not much point for him to hang on to Auckland any longer so why not to try his luck here. And hopefully find it!

Funny really how things work out. One of  our goals at the outset of the year was to move in together. With the intent that I would move up to Auckland.

Instead, it’s Gregor making the big move. Into a very different life. It’s a huge change for him in so many ways. City, climate, housing, lifestyle. But with change comes opportunity. And I will certainly do my bit for us to have the best possible life here for us.

Not so much a big change but a big achievement for me is that in a couple of months, I’ll be taking up NZ citizenship. My application’s been approved and now I’m waiting to be allocated a citizenship ceremony to do my affirmation.

This was another big goal that I’m now quite confident I will achieve.

At work, it’s really difficult at them moment. Think of 1500 people not exactly knowing what their role is in the post restructure world that we now work in.

All I know that my job will be very different in future. I just hope that it’ll play to my strengths.

My self designed health programme that I’ve started in April and have been further developing ever since continues to be a huge success. It’s quite costly and time consuming, but so worth it.

Every day is filled with new learning and experiences, some challenging, but always rewarding.

When I set myself a goal a couple of years ago for my life to change in some way to give me much better quality of life, I had envisaged a move, more money, a better home.

None of this has happened.

But what has is that I have changed. My body, my mind, my spirit. And with it my quality of life. For the better. Much better.

My life isn’t easy. Who’s life is, really.

But I’m loving it. And whatever may come will be just right for me.

Head vs heart. Ego vs essence.

Funny how things in life often culminate.

Head vs heart. Ego vs essence. That’s the battle within me right now.

In my job, I need to decide if I am going to go with the position I’ve been mapped to, or whether I should make a submission to be placed somewhere else. My mapped position appeals to my intellect. Somewhere else to my heart as that’s what I’m passionate about.

I know that I should not go against my gut feel. But my intellect and my pride in it are having a hard time to accept this.

Similar for my health work. My body is now clearly telling me that there’s something missing in my current juice fasting regime. But my ego is keen as mustard to complete the 8 weeks of just juice that I set myself as a goal. Just for the sake of being able to say that I did a whole 8 weeks of juice fasting and wow isn’t this amazing.

And I know that I should not go against my body’s signals but my ego is making a stink about it.

I will sleep over this and then decide. But really, I know what the decision should be. Go where my heart wants to be and respect what’s good for my body.

 

Hung up on the one I loved

Mid 90s.

Young woman. Young man. Perfect fit, mind body soul. Click. Lock. STUCK.

Connection hard-wired into unsuspecting brain and body. No fading, no letting go.

If mid 90s He came into my room, mid 90s part of Me would throw herself into his arms.

It all ended in disaster. Together, we created carnage. Leaving behind a big mess in each other’s hearts and lives. Me vs You.

My life is all neat and orderly now and I bet his is, too. On the surface, things are looking as they should. On the SURFACE.

Until I started digging. A moment of clarity, striking gold. The red hot pain of love found and lost. Infernal love’s glowing embers ready to burst into a big blaze again. Occupying a part of my heart to this day. He occupying a part of my heart to this day. No Entry sign up and strictly enforced.

This is not a love story. Or a story about the power of love. It’s about the power of emotional blockages and the hold they can take over our lives. My life.

As long as He is still taking up a corner of my  heart, I cannot fully give it to anyone else. No matter how hard I try. This  deep connection made 20 years ago preventing such depth of connection ever since.

I’ve been working on dissolving my side of the bond created so long ago since November last year. It’s like going through a relationship break-up. That happened in November. November 2016 not in April 1997!

Does it hurt? Miseryl in fact.

Have I made progress? Forgiving Him and forgiving Myself has unfolded into compassion and kindness. No Entry sign still hanging on but faded and rusty.

One day it’ll be history. Not dead and forgotten but history. Distant memory of a time long gone. A chapter in the book of stories of my life.

Therapy to heal myself.

 

Surfing Foveaux Strait

May. The month of joy in my home country Germany.

May 2017 in NZ. The wildest ride on the ocean of life I’ve ever experienced.

It’s like surfing Foveaux Strait between the bottom of the South Island and Stewart Island. Notoriously rough. One of the roughest stretches of water in the world I’ve heard.

May has taken me from deep sadness to jubilant joy, then cold fear, then calm happiness..

All I know is that May 2017 is life changing for me. I’m not sure yet how but just about everything possible seems to happen this month.

Death of a friend..

Approval of my application to retain German citizenship while taking up NZ citizenship.

Massive detox and rejuvenation success making me feel 20 years younger (seriously!) with the added wisdom of my 40-odd years..

Total uncertainty around my future at work where of all places, I’ve been mapped into the Finance department as part of the restructure..

Having sharp vision again at the computer at work after many months of vision training.

Genuine interest in my work in health and healing by a small number of people I know.

Re-connection with a cousin who I had no contact with since I was a teenager and with who I seem to share a lot of life’s learnings.

There is a flow now in my life that is amazing. After years of stagnation, things are on the move, big time. I’m prepared that my life will change a lot over the next few months or year.

In fact, I look forward to whatever there will be and embrace it.

Life isn’t easy – life is awe inspiring.

Legacy

Gone so suddenly
Seems like yesterday when we last spoke
Friend much greater
Than I knew before you left

Seed in my heart of hope
And belonging
With courage I will build
On what you planted.

For Rob.