Hung up on the one I loved

Mid 90s.

Young woman. Young man. Perfect fit, mind body soul. Click. Lock. STUCK.

Connection hard-wired into unsuspecting brain and body. No fading, no letting go.

If mid 90s He came into my room, mid 90s part of Me would throw herself into his arms.

It all ended in disaster. Together, we created carnage. Leaving behind a big mess in each other’s hearts and lives. Me vs You.

My life is all neat and orderly now and I bet his is, too. On the surface, things are looking as they should. On the SURFACE.

Until I started digging. A moment of clarity, striking gold. The red hot pain of love found and lost. Infernal love’s glowing embers ready to burst into a big blaze again. Occupying a part of my heart to this day. He occupying a part of my heart to this day. No Entry sign up and strictly enforced.

This is not a love story. Or a story about the power of love. It’s about the power of emotional blockages and the hold they can take over our lives. My life.

As long as He is still taking up a corner of my  heart, I cannot fully give it to anyone else. No matter how hard I try. This  deep connection made 20 years ago preventing such depth of connection ever since.

I’ve been working on dissolving my side of the bond created so long ago since November last year. It’s like going through a relationship break-up. That happened in November. November 2016 not in April 1997!

Does it hurt? Miseryl in fact.

Have I made progress? Forgiving Him and forgiving Myself has unfolded into compassion and kindness. No Entry sign still hanging on but faded and rusty.

One day it’ll be history. Not dead and forgotten but history. Distant memory of a time long gone. A chapter in the book of stories of my life.

Therapy to heal myself.

 

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