Head vs heart. Ego vs essence.

Funny how things in life often culminate.

Head vs heart. Ego vs essence. That’s the battle within me right now.

In my job, I need to decide if I am going to go with the position I’ve been mapped to, or whether I should make a submission to be placed somewhere else. My mapped position appeals to my intellect. Somewhere else to my heart as that’s what I’m passionate about.

I know that I should not go against my gut feel. But my intellect and my pride in it are having a hard time to accept this.

Similar for my health work. My body is now clearly telling me that there’s something missing in my current juice fasting regime. But my ego is keen as mustard to complete the 8 weeks of just juice that I set myself as a goal. Just for the sake of being able to say that I did a whole 8 weeks of juice fasting and wow isn’t this amazing.

And I know that I should not go against my body’s signals but my ego is making a stink about it.

I will sleep over this and then decide. But really, I know what the decision should be. Go where my heart wants to be and respect what’s good for my body.

 

Hung up on the one I loved

Mid 90s.

Young woman. Young man. Perfect fit, mind body soul. Click. Lock. STUCK.

Connection hard-wired into unsuspecting brain and body. No fading, no letting go.

If mid 90s He came into my room, mid 90s part of Me would throw herself into his arms.

It all ended in disaster. Together, we created carnage. Leaving behind a big mess in each other’s hearts and lives. Me vs You.

My life is all neat and orderly now and I bet his is, too. On the surface, things are looking as they should. On the SURFACE.

Until I started digging. A moment of clarity, striking gold. The red hot pain of love found and lost. Infernal love’s glowing embers ready to burst into a big blaze again. Occupying a part of my heart to this day. He occupying a part of my heart to this day. No Entry sign up and strictly enforced.

This is not a love story. Or a story about the power of love. It’s about the power of emotional blockages and the hold they can take over our lives. My life.

As long as He is still taking up a corner of my  heart, I cannot fully give it to anyone else. No matter how hard I try. This  deep connection made 20 years ago preventing such depth of connection ever since.

I’ve been working on dissolving my side of the bond created so long ago since November last year. It’s like going through a relationship break-up. That happened in November. November 2016 not in April 1997!

Does it hurt? Miseryl in fact.

Have I made progress? Forgiving Him and forgiving Myself has unfolded into compassion and kindness. No Entry sign still hanging on but faded and rusty.

One day it’ll be history. Not dead and forgotten but history. Distant memory of a time long gone. A chapter in the book of stories of my life.

Therapy to heal myself.

 

Surfing Foveaux Strait

May. The month of joy in my home country Germany.

May 2017 in NZ. The wildest ride on the ocean of life I’ve ever experienced.

It’s like surfing Foveaux Strait between the bottom of the South Island and Stewart Island. Notoriously rough. One of the roughest stretches of water in the world I’ve heard.

May has taken me from deep sadness to jubilant joy, then cold fear, then calm happiness..

All I know is that May 2017 is life changing for me. I’m not sure yet how but just about everything possible seems to happen this month.

Death of a friend..

Approval of my application to retain German citizenship while taking up NZ citizenship.

Massive detox and rejuvenation success making me feel 20 years younger (seriously!) with the added wisdom of my 40-odd years..

Total uncertainty around my future at work where of all places, I’ve been mapped into the Finance department as part of the restructure..

Having sharp vision again at the computer at work after many months of vision training.

Genuine interest in my work in health and healing by a small number of people I know.

Re-connection with a cousin who I had no contact with since I was a teenager and with who I seem to share a lot of life’s learnings.

There is a flow now in my life that is amazing. After years of stagnation, things are on the move, big time. I’m prepared that my life will change a lot over the next few months or year.

In fact, I look forward to whatever there will be and embrace it.

Life isn’t easy – life is awe inspiring.

Legacy

Gone so suddenly
Seems like yesterday when we last spoke
Friend much greater
Than I knew before you left

Seed in my heart of hope
And belonging
With courage I will build
On what you planted.

For Rob.

Of raging rivers, a temporary lake district and mineral baths

This year’s Easter escape didn’t take Gregor and me where we had intended to go. Right before Good Friday, a cyclone tore through our part of the world. Luckily, Auckland and anywhere southwards was spared the worst.

So it was just VERY wet but otherwise warm and humid. Just what you’d expect from a tropic storm.

The campground we had booked was closed because of the deluge, and so we drove a but further South towards Paeroa where we camped in the Karangahake Gorge.

This area is quite extraordinary with its amazingly steep and deep gorges:

The river looks pretty tame now but in the days before our visit, the water must have been around 2 to 3 metres higher telling by the debris along its banks. All the rivers were still quite swollen with most gravel banks submerged, and I cannot even imagine would they would be like during and right after the cyclone. Big raging torrents I suppose.

With the landscape still more than saturated with water, we adjusted our footwear accordingly.

Tramping boots cyclone style:

The main attraction why we had decided on the Paeroa area for our Easter trip are the mineral pools. This time, we treated ourselves to an hour in the mineral spa with private tubs.

Gregor and I taking a soak:

Not sure what the mineral composition is but the water had a rich soft feel to it and no hint of sulfur. Very pleasant and very relaxing.

We also explored the historic relics of the wood logging era.

Massive Kauri trunks were carted out on little wagons, one of which was still around:

Yet another fantastic weekend away for us in an otherwise challenging year.

Fab Feb holiday -Anahata yoga retreat

When I left for the South Island for my holiday, it had been with a sense of foreboding. Of something life changing that would happen to me. Not quite like a booming voice speaking to me from the sky, but something significant, maybe a dangerous situation or some other challenge.

I was right. It was subtle, but powerful and came in the form of a number of important realisations about myself. It had slowly started while tramping, and gained real speed in my week at Anahata Yoga Retreat high up in the hills of Golden Bay:

I had no previous experience with yoga and in fact had never had any interest in yoga before. But I had heard that Anahata was pretty much a “white zone” i.e. minimal electro-smog . As I felt I needed more time for emotional-spiritual work than I would be able to have while tramping, it seemed like a good place to be.

Main house:

Atma Mandir where classes are taught:

It was amazing. It’s changed my life, in every regard. Body, mind and spirit. It was cathartic, uplifting and healing, all at the same time.

I was so well taken care of that I could really relax and focus on my inner work and not worry about electro-smog or my currently rather detailed dietary requirements (in fact, the food was outstanding). I was challenged in many ways, not just by taking in the new experiences from the various yogic practices, but also by what these experiences and my studies made me discover about myself.

“My” bench where I sat in the sun doing my study and thinking work:

Two months have now passed since my stay.  I have firmly integrated some yogic practices into my life. I’m well into the juice fast that the resident chef and nutritionist had suggested to me.

And I still think about Anahata every day feeling grateful for the momentum it’s given my journey to health, healing and wellbeing.

Fab Feb holiday – Kahurangi adventure

The second week of my holiday took me into the peace and quiet of Kahurangi National Park. It’s been my favourite park ever since I first visited in 2002, and this time turned out to be a a particularly interesting backcountry adventure.

That’s because of some really surprising contrasting experiences. The Anatoki-Waingaro track travels along a couple of river valleys, and I started off at the Anatoki end.

Basking in the morning sun at the start of the track:

On the first day, it was 99% easy walking along a well maintained benched track. But every so often, the track presented me with a real challenge with a windfall with no track marker in sight, or pleasant creeks with big boulders to navigate.

To my great surprise, despite the numerous creek crossings, I didn’t get my boots wet. And to my even greater surprise, on arriving in Anatoki Forks Hut I was greeted by a warning sign regarding hot water.

I first thought this was a joke until I went into the main room of the hut and saw the big water cylinder. This was for real! But as it was a warm day and I was on my own, I didn’t want to fire up the range and opted for a cold shower.

That’s until I turned on the shower and WARM water came out. Courtesy of the people who had been at the hut a whole 3 days earlier!

A day’s walk further down the track, there was another surprise waiting for me. A shelter that had only been opened less than a year ago and wasn’t on maps and track brochures yet. I had heard about it from other people so had decided to go there instead of camping.

The Soper shelter tent camp:

It was fantastic. A place of pure magic, and made with love. It was like stepping into Hobbit wonderland, with even small details having done with great love and attention right down to the toilet seat. It was very cold that night and I was shivering in my summer sleeping bag, but it was so worth it.

Lake Stanley, formed in 1929 by an earthquake:

Stanley river:

I usually had the huts to myself, but just when I felt like company, I got it. This was at Waingaro Forks hut,  a beautiful old style hut:

I shared the hut with a couple from Tasmania, and a veteran tramper and mountainbiker. Who had come up to the hut on his bike just to prove to his wife that he could do it. Not an easy feat by any means. He turned 65 the following morning.

Another 2 nights in a hut further down, and then a spectacular walk out thanks to clouds hovering

Reaching civilisation again, I was greeted by farmlands with a distinctly Bavarian look which gave me a short moment of feeling homesick.

Me at the end of my Kahurangi adventure:

Dusk in Golden Bay from Takaka campground:

Fab Feb holiday – Abel Tasman revisited

I did it again. The Abel Tasman Coastal track. 15 years after I had done it for the first time. It’s still as beautiful as I remembered it: Golden beaches, crystal clear blue sea, with a backdrop of regenerating bush.

But it’s a lot more busy than it was back in 2002. And I also noticed that the vast majority of people belong to two distinctly different groups of tourists: 20-somethings doing a multi-day walk, and older people in their 50s and 60s doing day trips.  What they had in common though is that most of them were from overseas.

Over Waitangi weekend, Gregor joined me, and I then completed the rest of the walk by myself. But not really by myself, as I’ve explained above.

Te Pukatea Bay – Abel Tasman at its best:

Beautiful sunrise on the next morning:

Boats anchoring at, well, Anchorage:

Gregor on the mud flats of Torrent Bay:

My picturesque camp spot in Tonga Quarry:

View towards Totaranui from the North:

My Abel Tasman tramping boots:

It was an excellent walk, with good weather most of the time and the sandflies and mosquitos weren’t too bad.  If you’re seeking solitude, it’s the wrong place. But if you’re after spending some time on the beach, it’s an excellent choice.

Just a quick one

As you can see by the regularity of my blog posts (or lack thereof), you can see that I’ve been really struggling this year to make time to keep you up to date.

It’s not just because of going on holidays or camping weekends.

My health work has been really full on. I’m currently doing a big experiment of which I’m sure it’ll finally resolve the issue that I unwittingly created  in my Vanuatu holiday in 2010.

I’ve now also picked up the work on starting my business again as this is synergistic with my health work.

Curious how this looks like?

Check it out on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/cleanleanenergized/ or google Clean Lean Energized and you’ll find it.

Big promise that I will post photos of my February holiday soon.